Monday, August 11, 2008

A Quick Note to Say Thanks!



Dear Blind Date Guy,

Wow. That was a seriously fun first date! I liked our coy little exchanges via text messaging and email before the date. That got me really revved. I didn’t mind that I had to call you at 6pm on the day of the date to get our meeting time and place out of you since you insisted on planning everything. That was ok. Everyone needs reminding!

I was confused a little by your request to start the date at 9pm, since it included dinner. I don't know if I should start including the information than I'm not a 'rexi on my Match profile. But it's ok, because I keep a stash of apples dried fruit wine on hand to ease the pain.

When I got to the restaurant, I was pleasantly surprised to find you so attractive. Seriously, exquisitely attractive. And you didn’t seem horrified at my appearance. So thanks for not recoiling in terror.

I loved when you found out my dad is a judge (since you’re a lawyer) and were really impressed. Maybe that conjured up some good “Judge’s Daughter” fantasies for you and gave you some good wack-off material for the future.

We had some good zing zing back and forth. Verbally, you were giving as good as you were getting. I also liked that you served the food for me. That was very gentlemanly. And I was laughing. Thanks for bringing joy into the dark place that is my life.

I was a little confused when the bill came and you didn’t offer to cover it, since we’d just gone over my unemployment status. But that’s ok, because as I’ve mentioned, you were really, really attractive, and successful, and pretty damn funny.

I liked how, when we went to the bar down the road, you bought all the rounds and got me nice and soused. I liked it more when you talked to my friend Jill on the phone when she called to check in. “See?” I thought. “This is going great! He’s so funny and he’s joking with my friends!”

My favorite part was when we started making out in the bar. That might have been due to the fact that we were semi-drunk, but I thought it had a lot to do with how much this was just clicking. Also, we both went to Tulane, so we were well trained in the art of the bar make out.

And when we tried to go to another, darker bar, we just made out for like 30 seconds until you said, “I live just up the road.” I did take a semi-coherent second to think, “Wow, I had to take a cab here because you picked the Lower Haight for dinner, and now I see it’s because you live RIGHT here. Huh, guess you didn’t want to go too far.”

Your apartment was really clean, and very cute. Furnished by IKEA, and came with a cat, who you promptly kicked out of your bedroom.

When you showed me your glorified lava lamp that your “artist” friend made for you, I knew you just wanted me to lie on your bed. I liked that you tried to trick me into it though. Good effort.

I’d have to say, though, that the highlight of the date was when you jizzed on my leg while we were making out. It’s nice to know you wanted to give me a little going away present.

When I went into the bathroom to mop up, it was nice to come out and see you fully dressed and standing with your keys in your hand. That made me feel really welcome to stay. And I love having conversations when I am topless and the other person is fully clothed.

It was especially nice of you to then walk with me to get a cab. Since I didn’t have any cash left, I enjoyed a scenic drive to the local ATM, which at 2am, is filled with all sorts of colorful characters.

I’m a little disappointed you never called again, or responded to the funny, breezy email I sent you 4 days later. But that’s ok, because I’m all about the experience, and didn’t I have fun?

So anyway, thanks again for the opportunity to interview to be your girlfriend. Though I would have been honored to represent you, I understand that, at this time, you’re not looking for a funny, smart girl who will give you a hand job and pretend that it’s ok that you didn’t pay for a $50 dinner and that you stained my jeans.

Best wishes,

Fog City Lolita

PS – If you find my favorite pair of gold earrings – taken off so you could “get at my neck” – next to your bed on your MALM side table – please mail them to my home address. Kthxbai.

10 comments:

Unknown said...

I read this once. Laughed. I read it again. Laughed again. I think this is your best effort yet. Ahhh....pure gold.

Unknown said...

There is no way that really happened. And if it did, well it is pretty f'ing funny (I'm a lawyer too, and your pops may have been at my swearing in ceremony). Jizz on the leg? I'm skeptical...but still laughing...

FogCityLolita said...

Oh believe you me. It's real, oh mysterious MEF.

Renee O. said...

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I love it! And I believe it, if only b/c he was a fellow Tulane alum. Was he also a former Boot bartender? Hysterical.

Journalism 101 said...

you are SO funny! move to the east coast, pleeeease.

Eilidh said...

I dont like him. Jizzing on legs without paying for dinner is downright rude.

Anonymous said...

I always thought it was spelled whack, not wack. But I'm not sure, because usually I spank it.

Pretty damn funny post, btw.

FogCityLolita said...

Chris: We need to investigate this. As S can tell you, I hate to be wrong on the spelling front.

Anyway, I think you may be right. :)

Andy & Laurie's Ongoing Adventures said...

this made me laugh. the only way it could get better is watching andy read it.

kate said...

i've read "get at my neck" about ten times now and it keeps cracking me up. you are fucking hilarious