Joan Holloway Is My Hero

You need to watch Mad Men. First of all, you can play a game that is beyond enjoyable, which I like to call WWJHD (What Would Joan Holloway Do?). Who is Joan Holloway, you ask?

THIS is Joan.



Anyway, Joan is a ball-busting, take no prisoners beyotch, and she is as feisty as she is fabulously dressed.

Joan works as an office manager on Madison Avenue, home of the ad men who "created" advertising. The scene is the early 60s, thus the fabulous fashion.

The most shocking thing about this witty, beautiful show is seeing the stories your mother told you about come to life. From the stale, still life of the housewives, relegated to ironing and cooking and not much else out in the 'burbs, to the young working girls, stuck as ass-candy for the working men, this show is a glimpse into our past in a way I've never seen portrayed before. This isn't suffrage and petticoats: this is our mothers, on the job, not very many years ago.

When you watch the interactions on this show (sample: Male Boss to New Secretary: "You should show us you have a waist, honey, and a little leg wouldn't hurt." ), it seems shocking to think of how far we've come. We had a woman run for president this year, and 40 years ago, a woman couldn't be anything other than a secretary without a major fuss. A divorcee was completely ostrocized. A wife had dinner on the table every night and wouldn't ever ask where her husband had been for the last 3 nights. Doesn't it seem CRAZY that Hillary made a bid for P.O.T.U.S. not 45 years after this sort of behavior was par for the course? And isn't it fantastic that it can seem crazy to young woman today?

So, for historical perspective alone, this show is amazing. Plus it has great acting, sets, writing, directing, and compelling characters. Which brings me back to Joan. Joan is sex on a stick and she's a smart cookie. She knows how to work the system.

Tao of Joan

"Any one who you have to convince to be with you isn’t worth convincing."

"All ex-lovers deserve a second chance, with somebody else."

"If you want the girl next door, you should go next door."

"Unlike most girls I know, I succumb to male pressure only when I can get pleasure out of it. The boys around the office tend to feel a little threatened by that."

“I refuse to sit under these damn awful lights during my lunch break. That sandwich is making me sad. Let’s go.”

Brilliant, no?

I like to believe that, in this situation (the situation of being a secretary in a chauvinistic, ego-driven workplace in Manhattan), I'd be a Joan. I know my sassy mom was. She once told me that her boss told her, as a matter of business, that she'd need to give him a BJ. She did NOT oblige. So she had to quit. Another boss had her running errands with him, from meeting to meeting, and then asked her up to one "meeting," which was just a room with a mattress on the floor.

Eww.

Mad Men airs on AMC, Sundays at 10/9. You can get the first season on DVD. Click here for the official site. WATCH!

Rest In Peace, Bitch

From the Vallejo Times Herald:

Dolores Aguilar
1929 - Aug. 7, 2008

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

Brilliance from Others

I was reading my favorite blog, Jezebel, and they brought to my attention a new book called Marrying Anita: A Quest For Love In The New India by Anita Jain.

The story is basically Anita Jain's search for perma-affection and respect after years of trying to date in New York. (According to my girls who live in the magical city, it's brutal. Do. Not. Want. It's bad enough here, and by here, I mean anywhere I've ever lived.)

"To admit to others that I yearned for a long-term commitment or marriage… sounded regressive as soon as it emerged from my mouth," she writes. "It was atavistic in nature, a throwback to a time when women couldn't financially support themselves. It was a piece of treacherous anathema in the age of strong, independent working women."

The fault, Ms. Jain thinks, lies within the process of finding love.

"We are told that it's best to meet friends of friends. We all think this is a brilliant idea, until we realize that we've already met all of our friends' friends ... two years ago."

I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago, when I mentioned that I've never been set up by a friend. I've since decided that this situation is really lose-lose for the friend, unless all they care about is your happiness (trust me, very few are this pure, and if you met such a person, you'd probably want to punch them in the face). If the set up doesn't work out, then the friend has to be in the middle, and makes future social engagements awkward. And if it does work out, all the friend gets is a shoutout in the wedding toast, and, unfortunately, intimate knowledge of the new couples' sexual habits -- that is, before they get married and cease to tell you ANYTHING about the boning, a phenomenon I will save for another post in the future - do remind me.

Anyhow, Ms. Jain points to Western culture as the culprit here:

"For a decidedly unmystical society that seems to have the answer for everything else — the best medical care, cutting-edge technology, superhighways, and space shuttles — it seems odd that people are left to their own resources, casting around for another lonely soul, for what is arguably the most important decision of their lives."

She also talks about the notion of being "happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else." This gem is spouted almost as much as "when you know you know" and "it happens when you aren't looking." You know what I'm like when I'm not looking? Eating Bagel Chips by the handful with greasy hair and swaddled in ripped PJs from 7th grade, with the laptop glow in my face and some reality show on the TV. Dream girl, right here!

Says Ms. Jain: "Why do we have to be 'perfectly sound' before we can meet someone? Why can't we be desperately alone and unhappy and become much more balanced or healthy after getting involved with someone? We've all seen this happen with friends — 'God, Peter seems so much happier now that he's going out with Jessica. He's not drinking as much.'"

In other words, brilliant. Need to get my hands on this book. Except I think Ms. Jain then goes to India to find a husband through arranged marriage, which a) holds no appeal for me as I don't think I would be attractive in a country that boasts 120 degree heat and many unpaved roads and b) I'm not Indian.

You can buy her book here, if you so desire.

A Quick Note to Say Thanks!

Dear Blind Date Guy,

Wow. That was a seriously fun first date! I liked our coy little exchanges via text messaging and email before the date. That got me really revved. I didn’t mind that I had to call you at 6pm on the day of the date to get our meeting time and place out of you since you insisted on planning everything. That was ok. Everyone needs reminding!

I was confused a little by your request to start the date at 9pm, since it included dinner. I don't know if I should start including the information than I'm not a 'rexi on my Match profile. But it's ok, because I keep a stash of apples dried fruit wine on hand to ease the pain.

When I got to the restaurant, I was pleasantly surprised to find you so attractive. Seriously, exquisitely attractive. And you didn’t seem horrified at my appearance. So thanks for not recoiling in terror.

I loved when you found out my dad is a judge (since you’re a lawyer) and were really impressed. Maybe that conjured up some good “Judge’s Daughter” fantasies for you and gave you some good wack-off material for the future.

We had some good zing zing back and forth. Verbally, you were giving as good as you were getting. I also liked that you served the food for me. That was very gentlemanly. And I was laughing. Thanks for bringing joy into the dark place that is my life.

I was a little confused when the bill came and you didn’t offer to cover it, since we’d just gone over my unemployment status. But that’s ok, because as I’ve mentioned, you were really, really attractive, and successful, and pretty damn funny.

I liked how, when we went to the bar down the road, you bought all the rounds and got me nice and soused. I liked it more when you talked to my friend Jill on the phone when she called to check in. “See?” I thought. “This is going great! He’s so funny and he’s joking with my friends!”

My favorite part was when we started making out in the bar. That might have been due to the fact that we were semi-drunk, but I thought it had a lot to do with how much this was just clicking. Also, we both went to Tulane, so we were well trained in the art of the bar make out.

And when we tried to go to another, darker bar, we just made out for like 30 seconds until you said, “I live just up the road.” I did take a semi-coherent second to think, “Wow, I had to take a cab here because you picked the Lower Haight for dinner, and now I see it’s because you live RIGHT here. Huh, guess you didn’t want to go too far.”

Your apartment was really clean, and very cute. Furnished by IKEA, and came with a cat, who you promptly kicked out of your bedroom.

When you showed me your glorified lava lamp that your “artist” friend made for you, I knew you just wanted me to lie on your bed. I liked that you tried to trick me into it though. Good effort.

I’d have to say, though, that the highlight of the date was when you jizzed on my leg while we were making out. It’s nice to know you wanted to give me a little going away present.

When I went into the bathroom to mop up, it was nice to come out and see you fully dressed and standing with your keys in your hand. That made me feel really welcome to stay. And I love having conversations when I am topless and the other person is fully clothed.

It was especially nice of you to then walk with me to get a cab. Since I didn’t have any cash left, I enjoyed a scenic drive to the local ATM, which at 2am, is filled with all sorts of colorful characters.

I’m a little disappointed you never called again, or responded to the funny, breezy email I sent you 4 days later. But that’s ok, because I’m all about the experience, and didn’t I have fun?

So anyway, thanks again for the opportunity to interview to be your girlfriend. Though I would have been honored to represent you, I understand that, at this time, you’re not looking for a funny, smart girl who will give you a hand job and pretend that it’s ok that you didn’t pay for a $50 dinner and that you stained my jeans.

Best wishes,

Fog City Lolita

PS – If you find my favorite pair of gold earrings – taken off so you could “get at my neck” – next to your bed on your MALM side table – please mail them to my home address. Kthxbai.

As My Friend Tom Says, "Hell Has a Place for Publicists Like These"

Recently had an interview with a company that shall remain nameless unless you ask me to name them. This was the order of operations:

1) I apply in February for a Director of PR position a hotel/restaurant PR agency. The salary is listed as $55k. To note, I made this at a non-profit in considerably cheaper San Diego, under the direction of an idiot known for criminally underpaying his employees.

2) Then they change the interview time NINE TIMES, many times as I was walking out the door. Mr. Publicist is a very busy man, you see.

3) I finally meet with them at the end of May, where they inform me the salary had gone down to $50k. Everyone has taken a $5k paycut, you see, in the intervening months. It's only fair, they say.

3) Three more interviews commence. They love me (why, of course!), and then they offer me part time work at $20/hr for 10 hrs/week. I say, Uhhhhh I applied for a full time position. Also, I can make that much money babysitting. (And up to $1000/night stripping, says Jon Gordon.)

4) So then they disappear for 2 months.

5) They call me back in August and have me come down because NOW they have a full time position. I ask over email if it is a Director of PR position. Oh yes, they say.

6) And...wow. The position is now for someone with 3-5 years experience (Oh, that's what my 8 years of in-house experience is worth in agency terms, by the by). It's called Account Manager and it pays $38k! They tell me that's competitive.

Amazing.

SUCK IT. :)

The Website My Mother Is Not Allowed To See

http://www.sfcrime.blogspot.com/

A sampling:

2 Shot Near Taco Truck In SF Mission District

SAN FRANCISCO (CBS 5 / BCN) ― San Francisco police responded to an attempted robbery near a taco truck in the city's Mission District that left two victims suffering from gunshot wounds and another robbery 20 minutes prior, but no one was arrested.

The attempted robbery was reported near a taco truck at Harrison and 20th streets at 9:28 p.m., where police found two people suffering from gunshot wounds.

The victims were taken to San Francisco General Hospital, where there was no immediate word on their conditions.

Officers had also responded a short time earlier to another taco truck robbery on 16th and Shotwell streets, but no shots had been fired at that location.

Police were investigating whether the two incidents were related.

*NOTE: This is 2 blocks from my house.