Dr. Feelgood

So, I picked my Kaiser Permanente doctor based on his hotness.

Oh, don't you judge. WHY is there a picture of the doctor if they don't want you to judge them on their honest, trust-worthy eyes or come-hither smile?

However, I almost instantly regretted it. I entered the office wearing a snug little electric blue Joan Holloway dress over leggings and boots. The only person who got to appreciate this was the nurse, however. When Dr. Sexy walked in, I'd been ordered to wear a paper gown, and it was some sort of cropped version. So there I was, in a paper belly shirt, leggings and boots. I looked like a Xanadu extra.

Then there was the portion of the exam in which he asked if I lived with someone. I said, "A roommate." And then he wrote something. (Why is this relevant? Is he worried I will slip in the shower, hit my head and bleed out before anyone misses me? Is this a check box on a form?) And then he moved on to "Are you in a relationship?" No, I replied. "Do you want an AIDS test?
" No thank you. "But when did you last have an AIDS test?"

Look buddy, this is not date one questioning.

About a year ago, I say.

"But don't you think we should test you, just in case?"

NO, I reply.

"Have you had sex since you had the AIDS test?"

....(insert weird, babbling, self-deprecating speech which I refuse to type here)

Also, let's just say we fall in love. He can never ask me out, no matter how funny and charming I am during my physical. No doctor/patient shenanigans, right? (Doctor friends, please weigh in.) And believe you me, he was definitely falling in love with me as I joked about my go-to physical ailments. Bunions? What's more alluring than an outgrowth on my toe knuckle that causes me pain whilst tramping around in fuck me heels? Oh, and my goiter? How about my old man back disease that was discovered during my shotput career? I'm sex on a stick!

I think the highlight of the experience was when he told me I could get dressed and I said, "Um, could you look at a weird mole I have on my back?" If that's not foreplay, I don't know what is.

Oh. And then he weighed me.

Case closed.

Ways to Ruin Your Electronic Devices

Anyone who knows me knows that if there is a cell phone to be ruined, I will ruin it. I cannot hold on to them.

My old boss used to tell me that her body physically rejected watches. As in, watch batteries died within days of her placing the watch on her wrist. Well, I am the cell phone equivalent of this. Cell Phone Killa. I'm also not particularly good with laptops or iPods. In the last two months, I have:

1) Had a water bottle leak in my backpack, seeping into my laptop, catalogues on grad school and a book I'd borrowed from someone (luckily I had left my cell at home, adverting crisis but was generally annoying and typical of me).
2) Had same laptop (which did recover after 2 days of laying on a towel with a fan blowing directly one it) literally blow up
3) Had a cell phone jump out of my car

This has inspired me to list ways in which electronics have died for me, and for others.

1) Death by Beer: Sometimes you justify working by kicking back on the couch with a beer and your laptop. And sometimes you have more than one beer, and then your ability to think ahead is diminished. And that is the precise moment that you put the laptop and the beer next to each other on the coffeetable, then get up abruptly when your phone rings, and watch as the beer topples over on your computer. Keyboards rarely recover from this, and those AppleCare Genius Bar guys know what beer smells like.

Lesson: Don't work and drink. Just drink.

2) Death by Rabbit: My Nintendo met this death when I brought the 5th grade class rabbit home. (Even though this was not at all my fault, my mom would not buy me a new machine, even though I saved up the $99 to buy the Nintendo at Toys 'R' Us as the first example of learning to save and budget. Because of the unfairness of this, I have since never truly understood saving up for something, since at any time a rabbit and your mom could destroy your dreams. So just buy it and figure out how to pay for it later. Also, don't read this blog for financial advice.)

But I know someone else whose laptop cord was similiarly destroyed in this manner. The rabbit gnawed away at the $100 power cord, the speaker cords and a USB cord. Not the most expensive loss, but still upsetting.

Lesson: Don't own a rabbit. It is a pointless pet.

3) Vacation via Cab/Possible Entry in Witness Protection Program: My cell phone gets really bored just hanging out in one of the myriad attractive handbags I own. Sometimes it yearns to get out there and see the world. So it plots ahead for a night when I make a responsible decision and decide to take a cab home from a bar. "I know she'll try to drunkenly call someone from the cab," it thinks. "And that's my chance to see what else is out there in this big bad world! Maybe not all phone calls will revolve around bitching about work and wardrobe choices and whether what he said really reflected what he meant!"

Pink razor #3 thought this was a great plan, and thusly is somewhere out there. Out there meaning wherever the cab driver took it.

Lesson: You can't control cell phones when they reach the rebellious stage. Just get cell phone insurance.

4) Death by Toilet: Since the death of my Razor phone by these means, I have learned that many have lost phones in this manner. I find some comfort in this communal experience of loss. This situation typically happens in a bar situation. You may be expecting a call from a friend, or a potential lover, or you plan on texting your ex when you reach the 6 drink minimum. So you put your phone in the back of your jeans, and suddenly, you realize the seal must be broken. By the time you've waited in the bathroom line at the dirty, dirty bar, your phone is the last thing your mind. Until you do your patented hover move over the pot and hear the telltale splash. Your phone is literally swimming with the fishes, and ne'er shall work again.

Lesson: Prevent loss by toilet by arranging booty calls ahead of time. Be a planner.

5) Death by Chinese Irish Acrobat Piss: My friend Robert tells me this story is true, and I guess I have to believe him although he tends to be somewhat hyperbolic. At one time, he was dating a Chinese Irish acrobat. On one special sleepaway situation, the acrobat woke up from a drunken stupor and, not remembering the basics of human life, relieved himself on Robert's desk. In the morning, Robert discovered that Macs and Chinese Irish acrobat piss don't mix. And that no amount of money is worth the humilitation of admitting to tech support that your boyfriend urinated on your laptop.

Lesson: Date Chinese Irish acrobats that are on the wagon, or that have family money to replace what their urine destroys.

*Special Section: When It Is Ok to Let It Go
6) Death by Bullet Train Toilet:A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet. The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system. The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train's pipework. The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm. "He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off," said Benoit Gigou, a witness to the man's plight.

Lesson: French people don't know how to invent toilets that don't eat your arm. Avoid France.