Sunday, November 2, 2008

Ways to Ruin Your Electronic Devices


Anyone who knows me knows that if there is a cell phone to be ruined, I will ruin it. I cannot hold on to them.

My old boss used to tell me that her body physically rejected watches. As in, watch batteries died within days of her placing the watch on her wrist. Well, I am the cell phone equivalent of this. Cell Phone Killa. I'm also not particularly good with laptops or iPods. In the last two months, I have:

1) Had a water bottle leak in my backpack, seeping into my laptop, catalogues on grad school and a book I'd borrowed from someone (luckily I had left my cell at home, adverting crisis but was generally annoying and typical of me).
2) Had same laptop (which did recover after 2 days of laying on a towel with a fan blowing directly one it) literally blow up
3) Had a cell phone jump out of my car

This has inspired me to list ways in which electronics have died for me, and for others.

1) Death by Beer: Sometimes you justify working by kicking back on the couch with a beer and your laptop. And sometimes you have more than one beer, and then your ability to think ahead is diminished. And that is the precise moment that you put the laptop and the beer next to each other on the coffeetable, then get up abruptly when your phone rings, and watch as the beer topples over on your computer. Keyboards rarely recover from this, and those AppleCare Genius Bar guys know what beer smells like.

Lesson: Don't work and drink. Just drink.

2) Death by Rabbit: My Nintendo met this death when I brought the 5th grade class rabbit home. (Even though this was not at all my fault, my mom would not buy me a new machine, even though I saved up the $99 to buy the Nintendo at Toys 'R' Us as the first example of learning to save and budget. Because of the unfairness of this, I have since never truly understood saving up for something, since at any time a rabbit and your mom could destroy your dreams. So just buy it and figure out how to pay for it later. Also, don't read this blog for financial advice.)

But I know someone else whose laptop cord was similiarly destroyed in this manner. The rabbit gnawed away at the $100 power cord, the speaker cords and a USB cord. Not the most expensive loss, but still upsetting.

Lesson: Don't own a rabbit. It is a pointless pet.

3) Vacation via Cab/Possible Entry in Witness Protection Program: My cell phone gets really bored just hanging out in one of the myriad attractive handbags I own. Sometimes it yearns to get out there and see the world. So it plots ahead for a night when I make a responsible decision and decide to take a cab home from a bar. "I know she'll try to drunkenly call someone from the cab," it thinks. "And that's my chance to see what else is out there in this big bad world! Maybe not all phone calls will revolve around bitching about work and wardrobe choices and whether what he said really reflected what he meant!"

Pink razor #3 thought this was a great plan, and thusly is somewhere out there. Out there meaning wherever the cab driver took it.

Lesson: You can't control cell phones when they reach the rebellious stage. Just get cell phone insurance.

4) Death by Toilet: Since the death of my Razor phone by these means, I have learned that many have lost phones in this manner. I find some comfort in this communal experience of loss. This situation typically happens in a bar situation. You may be expecting a call from a friend, or a potential lover, or you plan on texting your ex when you reach the 6 drink minimum. So you put your phone in the back of your jeans, and suddenly, you realize the seal must be broken. By the time you've waited in the bathroom line at the dirty, dirty bar, your phone is the last thing your mind. Until you do your patented hover move over the pot and hear the telltale splash. Your phone is literally swimming with the fishes, and ne'er shall work again.

Lesson: Prevent loss by toilet by arranging booty calls ahead of time. Be a planner.

5) Death by Chinese Irish Acrobat Piss: My friend Robert tells me this story is true, and I guess I have to believe him although he tends to be somewhat hyperbolic. At one time, he was dating a Chinese Irish acrobat. On one special sleepaway situation, the acrobat woke up from a drunken stupor and, not remembering the basics of human life, relieved himself on Robert's desk. In the morning, Robert discovered that Macs and Chinese Irish acrobat piss don't mix. And that no amount of money is worth the humilitation of admitting to tech support that your boyfriend urinated on your laptop.

Lesson: Date Chinese Irish acrobats that are on the wagon, or that have family money to replace what their urine destroys.

*Special Section: When It Is Ok to Let It Go
6) Death by Bullet Train Toilet:A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet. The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system. The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train's pipework. The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm. "He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off," said Benoit Gigou, a witness to the man's plight.

Lesson: French people don't know how to invent toilets that don't eat your arm. Avoid France.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh I can relate to this all too well. Except for maybe the Chinese Irish guy...mine is Korean Irish. :-)
love your bloggin girlie!

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Note to everyone: Most waterlogged electronics can be salvaged by doing the following:

Take out battery immediately, dunk electronic item in distilled water (grocery store) to wash out the liquid involved (corrosive, bodily, whatever). Dry for a long time in very low heat oven, warm dry place etc... Put battery back in. Tadaaa.

Journalism 101 said...

Here's the thing sweetie, love you, will never let you babysit my children:)

FogCityLolita said...

I'm much better with kids than electronic devices.

Also, AHH! An anonymous commenter! You have no idea how crazy it makes me... :)

Also, Shimoney: Great tip!

Christina said...

Oh My GOD! You are so funny! I'm so sick and it hurts to laugh right now, but I couldn't stop reading!