Wise Words From My Friend's 9 Year-Old Stepson

"Mostly, if people want a baby they can get one. It's kind of like Santa Claus except you don't have to be good."

Notes from the New Job

Wow, well, so I’m crap at keeping up with this blog whilst involved in my new job. Yeah, I finally got a new one for those who didn’t know. I’m working in the non-profit industry, in the education field, and I’m directing communications. I’m trying to keep this blog sort of vague to protect the innocent, so I’ll leave it at that.

So I’m in week 3 and I’m learning lessons hard and fast.



Lesson One: My boss is obsessed with tits.

Day One

Boss (in front of whole staff): “Your top is too low cut.”
Me: “Oh! Um, but I’m not showing any cleavage at all.”
Boss: “But you might, if you lean over.”
Me: “Oh.”

Mulling this over later, I realized that there is only one straight man in the office, and he’s married and hadn’t been looking at my chest at all. The rest of the office is women and gay men, who are not, to my knowledge, disgusted or turned on by the sight of the top half of my boobs. (I’m sure the bottom half would drive them WILD.)

The next day, Boss made the other woman in the office with breasts (we have a lot of sports-bra-as-regular-bra-wearing flatties in our office) STAPLE her v-neck top together to avoid the appearance of cleavage.

As anyone who as seen me in PR action knows, my power is contained in my funbags. I can’t breathe in these Amish tops I am now wearing, and our A/C-less office is not conducive to the Scarf Art I’ve been trying to attain.

The best part about this is that many of my co-workers look like they are fresh from a workout/camping trip, but it is my Banana Republic-swathed pillows of love that are lending an unprofessional vibe to the office.

Also to note: Boss has NO chest and finds every day A Chico’s Kind of Day. Oh, and don’t forget the adventure sandals. Nothing says Power Broker like adventure sandals.

Lesson two: Say “mobilization of resources,” “collaborative effort,” or “best practices” – get a free pass.

No need to say anything that makes sense. Just use these buzz words and everyone will nod and look pensive. Case in point.

Uptight Woman in Cube Next to Me: Where is the printer that was in my cubicle?
Adorable Office Manager: We needed to move it into the accounting office. You can use the one in my cubicle (note: this is on the other side of Uptight Woman’s cube. Literally, she could reach her arm around to the printer without getting up.) or the one in the copy room (note: this is the one we all use).
UW: This is not a equitable distribution of resources.
AOM: Um, we only have 10 people in the office and 3 printers, 2 of which you can use.
UW: I thought we were working on being more collaborative in our decision making process.
AOM: This is not a big deal.
UW: I will call a meeting to facilitate a discussion about this.
AOM: Um. Ok.

And don’t think a meeting wasn’t called. Oh no.

Lesson Three: My boss makes no sense.

Some choice quotes:

“Oh my God, everybody and their brother is pregnant.”

“I don’t have my memory to confuse me.”

“It’s like the old saying…if you put the frog in the pot then start to boil it, he will not notice until it’s too late. However, if you throw that frog in when it’s already boiling, he is like “What are you crazy? This water is boiling!”

“My biological clock is all messed up from traveling to Italy.”

This is just the beginning of lesson learning. Consider my eyes and ears open to further experiences.