What I mean to say is that it didn't really being back in October. Oh, yeah, I moved, I settled into my basement apartment with my faithful roommate. I started at Yahoo!, and slowly adjusted to life in Middle Earth, editing boring, boring documents. I fell asleep every day at on the shuttle. I made one friend (thanks, Luke!) and watched "Ugly Betty" online while copying and pasting links into Excel. And then, I got laid off, 3 months in.
That was in February. Now we're in July. I've been lonely, I've made friends, I've made out, I've been disappointed. I've gained 20 lbs. 10 couples have gotten engaged. One couple is one their way to welcoming their first child. And through it all, I've been unemployed.
The one thing I always had on some other people was that I was damn good at my job. I didn't make much money, but I was always working and people saw me as somebody who got shit done. But the work environment was bad, and my relationship was worse. I could do better, I thought.
So I moved away. I already felt my confidence crumbling at Yahoo, as I felt more and more useless. And then they canned me, put me in a taxi with all my boxes (full of cube decorations I'd used to create an environment of warmth--a replacement for human contact), and sent me on an hour's drive on the 101. At 11am on a Tuesday, I was home for good.
These six months have been full of missed opportunities, almost hires and failure. And slowly, but effectively, I've become this new person. A person who has very little faith left that she can do any job. And meanwhile, while I was working all those hours and settling for kissing boys in bars, or a perma-student, 24 year-old boyfriend, I forgot to meet someone with whom to register for ramekins.
Engagement, marriage, pregnancy. The 30s are all about celebrating others' relationship success. Which is awesome. But easier to swallow if you've got ANY portion of your life together.
I feel like I'm the beginning of some shite romantic comedy, and it's not remotely funny.
So, it begins again. Let's go.
Posts
A Pretty Good Year
8 years ago
3 comments:
Your romantic comedy will rock. And trust me, I understand losing faith in yourself when you don't have 24/7 affirmation of your abilities. Hang in there! The happy ending is only 110 minutes away...
I just publicated a baby, yeah!
I think you are being way to hard on yourself Jill! You are a beautiful, talented, fun, smart, witty, accomplished woman and just because all of the things you desire have not fallen into place on the timeline you have set for yourself, doesn't mean it won't happen.
I met Tim was I was just about to turn 30, got married at 34, am going to try to conceive my first child at 36 and I have never been to college and work for a small boutique making small amounts of money. The important thing is being happy with who you are as a person...not based on your accomplishments (although you have accomplished much more than the average person).
You have so much to celebrate about yourself and your life. As I have said before, the timeline for marriage and kids is happening later in life, so you have plenty of time!
I just have to tell you like I see it girl. You are a great person and you have so much going for you, even if it is taking a little vacay right now! It will all get better and work itself out. I love reading your blog and I think you are very talented!
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