Notes from the New Job

Wow, well, so I’m crap at keeping up with this blog whilst involved in my new job. Yeah, I finally got a new one for those who didn’t know. I’m working in the non-profit industry, in the education field, and I’m directing communications. I’m trying to keep this blog sort of vague to protect the innocent, so I’ll leave it at that.

So I’m in week 3 and I’m learning lessons hard and fast.



Lesson One: My boss is obsessed with tits.

Day One

Boss (in front of whole staff): “Your top is too low cut.”
Me: “Oh! Um, but I’m not showing any cleavage at all.”
Boss: “But you might, if you lean over.”
Me: “Oh.”

Mulling this over later, I realized that there is only one straight man in the office, and he’s married and hadn’t been looking at my chest at all. The rest of the office is women and gay men, who are not, to my knowledge, disgusted or turned on by the sight of the top half of my boobs. (I’m sure the bottom half would drive them WILD.)

The next day, Boss made the other woman in the office with breasts (we have a lot of sports-bra-as-regular-bra-wearing flatties in our office) STAPLE her v-neck top together to avoid the appearance of cleavage.

As anyone who as seen me in PR action knows, my power is contained in my funbags. I can’t breathe in these Amish tops I am now wearing, and our A/C-less office is not conducive to the Scarf Art I’ve been trying to attain.

The best part about this is that many of my co-workers look like they are fresh from a workout/camping trip, but it is my Banana Republic-swathed pillows of love that are lending an unprofessional vibe to the office.

Also to note: Boss has NO chest and finds every day A Chico’s Kind of Day. Oh, and don’t forget the adventure sandals. Nothing says Power Broker like adventure sandals.

Lesson two: Say “mobilization of resources,” “collaborative effort,” or “best practices” – get a free pass.

No need to say anything that makes sense. Just use these buzz words and everyone will nod and look pensive. Case in point.

Uptight Woman in Cube Next to Me: Where is the printer that was in my cubicle?
Adorable Office Manager: We needed to move it into the accounting office. You can use the one in my cubicle (note: this is on the other side of Uptight Woman’s cube. Literally, she could reach her arm around to the printer without getting up.) or the one in the copy room (note: this is the one we all use).
UW: This is not a equitable distribution of resources.
AOM: Um, we only have 10 people in the office and 3 printers, 2 of which you can use.
UW: I thought we were working on being more collaborative in our decision making process.
AOM: This is not a big deal.
UW: I will call a meeting to facilitate a discussion about this.
AOM: Um. Ok.

And don’t think a meeting wasn’t called. Oh no.

Lesson Three: My boss makes no sense.

Some choice quotes:

“Oh my God, everybody and their brother is pregnant.”

“I don’t have my memory to confuse me.”

“It’s like the old saying…if you put the frog in the pot then start to boil it, he will not notice until it’s too late. However, if you throw that frog in when it’s already boiling, he is like “What are you crazy? This water is boiling!”

“My biological clock is all messed up from traveling to Italy.”

This is just the beginning of lesson learning. Consider my eyes and ears open to further experiences.

As My Friend Tom Says, "Hell Has a Place for Publicists Like These"

Recently had an interview with a company that shall remain nameless unless you ask me to name them. This was the order of operations:

1) I apply in February for a Director of PR position a hotel/restaurant PR agency. The salary is listed as $55k. To note, I made this at a non-profit in considerably cheaper San Diego, under the direction of an idiot known for criminally underpaying his employees.

2) Then they change the interview time NINE TIMES, many times as I was walking out the door. Mr. Publicist is a very busy man, you see.

3) I finally meet with them at the end of May, where they inform me the salary had gone down to $50k. Everyone has taken a $5k paycut, you see, in the intervening months. It's only fair, they say.

3) Three more interviews commence. They love me (why, of course!), and then they offer me part time work at $20/hr for 10 hrs/week. I say, Uhhhhh I applied for a full time position. Also, I can make that much money babysitting. (And up to $1000/night stripping, says Jon Gordon.)

4) So then they disappear for 2 months.

5) They call me back in August and have me come down because NOW they have a full time position. I ask over email if it is a Director of PR position. Oh yes, they say.

6) And...wow. The position is now for someone with 3-5 years experience (Oh, that's what my 8 years of in-house experience is worth in agency terms, by the by). It's called Account Manager and it pays $38k! They tell me that's competitive.

Amazing.

SUCK IT. :)

Career thoughts

I'm thinking of becoming a teacher for little nuggets.

My main concerns are, in order of importance:

I don't think they let you wear jeans to work
I cannot check blog on Jezebel or catalog Yelp reviews while at work
What if I ruin the children
Who will pay for my highlights

Now it really begins.

What I mean to say is that it didn't really being back in October. Oh, yeah, I moved, I settled into my basement apartment with my faithful roommate. I started at Yahoo!, and slowly adjusted to life in Middle Earth, editing boring, boring documents. I fell asleep every day at on the shuttle. I made one friend (thanks, Luke!) and watched "Ugly Betty" online while copying and pasting links into Excel. And then, I got laid off, 3 months in.

That was in February. Now we're in July. I've been lonely, I've made friends, I've made out, I've been disappointed. I've gained 20 lbs. 10 couples have gotten engaged. One couple is one their way to welcoming their first child. And through it all, I've been unemployed.

The one thing I always had on some other people was that I was damn good at my job. I didn't make much money, but I was always working and people saw me as somebody who got shit done. But the work environment was bad, and my relationship was worse. I could do better, I thought.

So I moved away. I already felt my confidence crumbling at Yahoo, as I felt more and more useless. And then they canned me, put me in a taxi with all my boxes (full of cube decorations I'd used to create an environment of warmth--a replacement for human contact), and sent me on an hour's drive on the 101. At 11am on a Tuesday, I was home for good.

These six months have been full of missed opportunities, almost hires and failure. And slowly, but effectively, I've become this new person. A person who has very little faith left that she can do any job. And meanwhile, while I was working all those hours and settling for kissing boys in bars, or a perma-student, 24 year-old boyfriend, I forgot to meet someone with whom to register for ramekins.

Engagement, marriage, pregnancy. The 30s are all about celebrating others' relationship success. Which is awesome. But easier to swallow if you've got ANY portion of your life together.

I feel like I'm the beginning of some shite romantic comedy, and it's not remotely funny.

So, it begins again. Let's go.